


Edward Gets Fuckin Trolled

by coolcat001100



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), Twilight Series - All Media Types, 亜人ちゃんは語りたい | Demi-chan wa Kataritai | Interviews with Monster Girls (Anime)
Genre: A complete and utter shitpost, Brief reference to Invader Zim, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolcat001100/pseuds/coolcat001100
Summary: What seems like an ordinary day for regular, mopey vampire Edward Cullen is about to get much more interesting - and infuriating - when he finds a strange guest knocking on his door. Witness the wacky hijinks.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Kudos: 4





	Edward Gets Fuckin Trolled

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for my wonderful girlfriend's birthday a few months ago - now seemed like the appropriate time to post it.
> 
> Also, please don't question how SpongeBob can miraculously breathe on land now. I kinda forgot.

It was an ordinary, dreary day in Forks, Washington. As per usual, Edward Cullen woke up in his queen-sized bed next to the still-sleeping Bella, went to the mirror to make sure his mascara was still on, and switched out of his black and blacker footie pajamas into the newest clothes he had gotten from Hot Topic recently. Unfortunately, because this took place in the modern day, that meant he was wearing a yellow Adventure Time t-shirt and dark blue jeans, which were not nearly as goffick as the kinds of clothes he was hoping for. Oh well. Maybe Hot Topic would have a return to its original, deprezzing form one day.

Anyway, he was sitting down and eating some toast with jelly and a grapefruit when he began hearing a frantic knocking at the front door. At first he ignored it, hoping whoever was there would just go away, but it continued. In fact, it even seemed to get more intense as it went on.

“Oh, damn it…” Edward grumbled as he got up from his seat. “I’d have thought that having this big house out in the middle of the woods would send a message that we don’t want to be disturbed.”

He went to the door and opened it, but just as he was prepared to start yelling at whoever was there to go away, he looked down and saw that not only was the person there about half his height, but it wasn’t even a person at all. Rather, it was a chipper yellow sponge with arms, legs, and what looked like clothing.

“Hiiiiii!” the sponge greeted him with a big smile.

Edward didn’t know what to say at first. Finally, he found the words he was looking for.

“...The hell do you want?”

“I’m sorry,” the sponge began, “but do you think you could direct me to Squidward? He moved recently, and according to this cool new invention called the ‘inter-net’, he moved here!”

Edward shook his head. “Sorry, but there’s no Squidward here. No one’s moved out here for years except us. Now please leave”

However, just as he began to close the door, the sponge moved into the door frame, blocking it off. “Are you suuuuuuure?” he asked, his smile seeming to grow wider. “As far as I can tell, the inter-net never lies!”

“I’m _very_ sure,” Edward answered, his frown deepening.

“ _Reeeeeeally?_ ” the sponge asked, pulling out a piece of paper. “Because it says right here on this photocopy of the database that he lives here now!”

“Give me that,” Edward snapped, taking the paper out of the sponge’s hand and examining it. Once he had finished looking it over, he looked back at the sponge with disbelief spread across his face, spread even wider than how far he had spread Bella’s legs last night.

“You idiot,” he said, “This doesn’t say Squidward, it says **Edward!** ”

The sponge blinked. “Ohhhhhh… bahahahahaha! Silly me!” He wiped a tear of laughter from his face before speaking again. “So wait, _you’re_ Edward?”

Edward sighed. “Yes. And you are?”

The sponge straightened up as he delivered his title. “SpongeBob Squarepants, pleased to meet you! Though you can just call me SpongeBob!”

“Yeah, well, that won’t be necessary,” Edward interjected, “because I’m never seeing you again.”

But just as he went to push SpongeBob out so he could close the door, he zipped right back in. “Why are you living all the way out here, anyway?” he asked. “Doesn’t it get awful lonely just being in the woods like this?”

“It’s better this way,” Edward growled.

SpongeBob gasped. “Oh no… how awful! You have crippling social anxiety!”

“Wha- NO!” Edward stuttered. “It’s because… I’m something far darker than you expect. Something monstrous…”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s not _that_ bad, whatever it is,” SpongeBob waved, still smiling.

“Whatever the worst thing you could think of is,” Edward explained, turning away all dramatic-like, “it’s worse than that. It’s the most miserable, sullen existence ever, for both yourself and the people around you, and you don’t want to know what it’s like…”

SpongeBob stared at him as he continued to dramatically turn his head to the ground with his eyes closed. “Wow. So… are you a witch?”

Edward’s eyes shot open. “Wha- No,” he said, turning back to SpongeBob.

“A pixie?”

“NO!”

“...A leprechaun?”

“ **I’M A VAMPIRE!”** Edward screamed, reeling in his voice just as it started to crack.

Realization flooded SpongeBob’s eyes. “Ohhhhh… So what’s it like dictating a baseball game?”

Edward stuttered in pure rage, feeling the fuses in his mind start to crack. “ **That’s an _umpire_ , you idiot! I’m a bloodsucker! A filthy creature of the night!**”

SpongeBob snapped his fingers, now fully realizing what was going on. “Ohhhh, _that_ kind of vampire! Bahahahahahaha! Why didn’t you say so?”

“I hate people so much…” Edward grumbled to himself.

“Hey, come on,” SpongeBob said, tilting Edward’s chin back up with his finger. “There’s no need to be so grumpy about it!”

“Yes there is!” Edward shouted, pushing SpongeBob’s hand away. “I’m a sick, fallen wretch, doomed to forever feed on blood to survive!”

“So?” SpongeBob asked. “That can be kinda fun!” He began moving around energetically as he explained, mimicking the mannerisms of a vampire. “You get to use the dark as your ally, become supernaturally strong and fast, and can drink the blood of your foes! Not to mention you get a totally cool cape along with all that!”

“It isn’t fun!” Edward yelled. “It’s an existence full of misery and depression… no one with this curse will ever know true happiness.”

SpongeBob tilted his head. “Really? That’s not what I’ve heard other vampires say.”

“Other vampires like _who_?” Edward asked, not believing for a second he had ever spoken to another real vampire.

“Like me!” came a voice from directly behind him.

“AAHHHHH!” Edward screamed like Sammyclassicsonicfan as he stumbled over backwards and landed right on his rumpus. Looking up, he saw the source of the disturbance - a young Japanese girl with blonde hair styled in what appeared to be blunt horns with a black t-shirt and daisy dukes had been standing right behind him, with a big smile on her face.

“What the hell?!” Edward stammered. “How did you get in my house?”

The girl pointed behind her. “The window was open!”

Edward stared at her in disbelief. “The window was open?”

She stared off slightly with a guilty look on her face. “Well, yeah… once I’d opened it, that is.”

Edward facepalmed. “God damn it… who even are _you_?”

The girl giggled and grinned. “Takanashi Hikari! But you can call me Hikari, I’m cool with that.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Edward said, “why are _you_ here now?”

“Wellllll,” Hikari began, “I just think it’s a bit unfair you’re giving vampires a bad rap like this, with all your gloom and doom. I figured maybe you just don’t know enough about the vampire experience just yet, and I could help you with that!”

“Ugh, no thanks,” Edward scoffed, “I’m pretty sure that countless years of feeding off of other life and being forced to watch the energy drain from the eyes of my victims has given me plenty of time to know just how miserable it is.”

Hikari flicked her hand and rolled her eyes. “Psh, you’re still doing _that_? Hey, the 15th century called, they want their outdated practice back!”

“It’s not like I _want_ to do this!” Edward said. “As a vampire, if I don’t do it regularly, I will shrivel up and die… like a slug underneath a saltshaker.”

“Well, duh,” Hikari explained, “That’s why the government has a program that regularly gives blood to registered vampires!”

Edward blinked. “Wait… what?”

“Yep!” Hikari continued. “Once a month, the government sends a blood package to a vampire-occupied household, so even the ones with more financial issues always have a ready source available.”

“You know,” SpongeBob spoke up, “I’ve always wondered - what does blood taste like?”

“Oh, it depends,” Hikari said, tapping her chin. “Though I think my personal favorite is Type O Negative - it’s both bitter and sweet, but in a way that’s totally delicious!”

“O-Oh yeah?” Edward piped up again. “Then what about having to keep it a secret from everyone? Even if you let yourself get close to some humans, you’re always forced to keep a part of yourself a secret from them… knowing that if they ever knew, you’d be ostracized for the rest of your life.”

To his surprise and horror, Hikari laughed. “Oh, come on! Vampires aren’t ostracized, silly! We’re just as welcomed as any other demis!”

“I… what?” Edward could barely find the words to express what he was feeling towards this girl. Well, words more mature than ‘poopy-stoopy’, anyway. Even though that was the one he was thinking of the most. “What do you mean by ‘demis’?”

“You know,” Hikari said, “Demi-humans! Vampires like me, of course, and then there’s dullahans, snow-women, cyclops, draugr, lamias, and so many others! Sure, there’s still a few issues here and there, but people are pretty welcoming for the most part!”

“Hm…” SpongeBob mused, noticing the overstressed look on Edward’s face. “I’m not sure if he’s understanding all this. Think we should direct him to the Demi-chan National Library?”

“Wait, what?” Edward spoke up. “National library?”

“Yep!” As Hikari began explaining, the background behind her faded into a blank whiteboard as basic drawings of a library and various things inside of it started being drawn on it, like in a quirky anime explanation scene. “Funded by the Kikiyama Foundation and designed by Membrane Corp, the Demi-chan National Library is a humongous library dedicated to archiving all known history of monsters and demi-humans - including recent advances in the rights and laws protecting them!”

“RIGHTS AND LAWS?!” Edward snapped.

“I know!” Hikari shouted with a huge smile and her hands balled in excitement. “Isn’t it great?!”

“NO, IT’S NOT GREAT!” Edward screamed. “Being a vampire isn’t supposed to be cool or fun or socially acceptable! It’s supposed to be dark, dreary, and miserable!”

“Well, where’s the fun in that?” SpongeBob asked.

“Because no one understands you, and that’s the way it should be!” Edward continued. “It’s not possible for no one to understand you if there are whole libraries about you!”

Suddenly, footsteps echoed in the otherwise-quiet house as Bella came downstairs and entered the foyer of the house. “What’s going on?” she asked.

Edward angrily pointed to Hikari and SpongeBob like a child blaming his friend for a really eggy fart. “Sweetie, these people are ruining being a vampire! They’re trying to make us normal and un-edgy!”

“What?” Bella said, her monotone being strong enough to ease Edward of his heightened emotional state. “That can’t possibly be the case. How would people bear to be around us knowing that at any point, we could turn on and start eating them?”

“Oh, they’re totally fine with it,” Hikari explained. “They know that we’d never actually do it. As a matter of fact, sometimes they’re even curious as to what they’d taste like!”

“WHAT?!” Edward shouted and Bella monotoned.

“In fact, several months ago my friends had a contest to see whose arm looked the tastiest to me!” Hikari divulged.

“Ooooh, sounds like fun!” SpongeBob gushed. “Hey, whaddya think I’d taste like? Huh? Huh?”

“Hmm…” Hikari reached to his arm, examining and feeling it for a bit. “From my own personal judgement, you feel soft, but in a rich kind of way… like a big ol’ sponge cake!”

“Yay!” SpongeBob cheered. “I get to be cake!”

“O-Oh yeah?” Bella asked. “Then what about when they see what you really look like in sunlight? Do they even know how it affects you then?”

“Sure they do,” Hikari said. “It gets really uncomfortable after a bit, and I prefer darker areas a lot more, but they don’t mind it.”

“What about the sparkling, huh?” Edward interrupted. “Does seeing your skin sparkle like a killer ever get to them?”

For a moment, neither Hikari nor SpongeBob said anything. Then, Hikari tried to hold back her chuckles before bursting out into laughter. SpongeBob followed suit almost immediately.

“ **What’s so funny?!** ” Edward shouted. “ **How dare you make fun of our pain and suffering!** ”

Hikari wiped a tear of laughter from her eye. “Vampires don’t sparkle, silly! Where’d you get _that_ crazy idea?”

“Yes we do!” Bella stated. “We’ve seen it happen to us!”

“Um, actually…” Alice Cullen poked her head out from the corner of the wall, drawing everyone’s attention. “I have a confession to make. Vampires don’t sparkle in the sunlight.”

“...What?” Edward said, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, you see,” Alice explained, “When you were really young, you got glitter all over yourself during dad’s birthday one year, and when you went into the sunlight, it naturally sparkled. You thought that it was your skin and sparkling was part of being a vampire, so… we decided to pull a prank on you and act like it was true. We’ve always made sure to put glitter all over you while you slept since then.”

“But… but what about me?” Bella asked. “I’ve seen myself sparkle too.”

“Well,” Alice had a sheepish look on her face. “We started putting glitter on you in your sleep too. We didn’t want to risk Edward finding out he was full of shit.”

“NO!” Edward screamed, his voice finally breaking and accepting its inner Sammy. “HOW COULD THIS BE? YOU’RE ALL JUST TRYING TO RUIN WHAT BEING A VAMPIRE IS ALL ABOUT AND MAKE IT PANDER TO NORMIES! FUCK YOU!”

“There there, sweetie,” Bella said, patting her husband on the head as he collapsed to the floor. “We’ll just go complain about this on our Tumblr and get tons of people we don’t even know to support us.”

“Hey,” Hikari said, kneeling over to look at Edward in the eyes. “Don’t be so down about it, Eddy! There’s plenty of fun to be had in-”

“SHUT UP!” Edward said, crying. “GO AWAY! YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY!”

Hikari stood back up, an unpleasant look on her face. “Sheesh, no need to be so dramatic about it.” With that, she turned to SpongeBob, a cheery look back on her face. “Hey, I’ve gotta show you to everyone! I think they’ll really like to meet you!”

SpongeBob gasped in delight and clasped his hands together. “Oooh, that sounds delightful! Where can we meet them?”

“I’ll text them to meet us at the Demi-chan National Library,” Hikari explained, “It’s always fun to think of it as a place built just for us!”

“Sounds great!” SpongeBob said, holding out his hand. “Let’s skip there together!” Hikari grinned. “Perfect!”

With that, the two of them started holding hands and skipping all the way to the library while Hikari played _Living After Midnight_ on her iPhone, leaving Edward to cry on the ground while Bella angrily blogged on Tumblr and Alice shook her head. 

“Oh Edward…” Alice mused. “You always were the cumshot mom should’ve swallowed.”


End file.
